Archive for February, 2006

Day 51 – Today denounce someone to the government

February 28, 2006

I went to the defense department’s website and sent the following email.

Dear Secretary of Defense,
I believe that Pat Robertson constitutes a grave threat to national security, for various reasons which I can not go into as I am busy playing video games right now. Search his home before it’s too late.
Yours annonymously.
Nate Duke

Points earned: 3
Total points 133


Day 50 – Today, apologize for something your ancestors did

February 27, 2006

I know that white people (like myself) have done terrible things, but I am not sure about anyone in my direct ancestorial line that has done something terrible. I’m part Swiss and part English. I know that the Swiss helped out the Nazis during WWII, but by that time, my family was long gone from Europe. I decided to call up my friend Ian “Big E” Allison (who has some Scottish in him) and apologize. He was too lazy to answer his phone so here’s the message I left him:

Hey Big E. This is N8. I’m pretty sure that you have some Scottish in you, and I’ve got some English in me, so I just wanted to apologize for when my ancestors killed Braveheart. Sorry about that. Take it easy.

Points earned: 3
Total points: 130

Day 49 – Get rained on.

February 26, 2006

I woke up hoping that there would be rain in the forecast, but no luck. I even looked in like a fifty mile radius and not a drop on the radar….not even snow that I could have somehow melted into rain before it hit the ground.

So I decided that the next best thing would be to take a shower with my clothes on. Right?

So anyway, I got an email from my good friend Bratwurs who said the following:

What about day 49 in the middle of winter? If you need, I’d be happy to provide some “golden” showers…

Thanks Brat’. After reading that I decided that I might pee on my hand while in the shower (for those of you NOT in the know, a golden shower is when someone pees on you).

So I’m talking to Franklin about this and that and I mentioned that I would be taking a shower with my clothes on. I also mentioned the idea of the golden shower (aka peeing on my hand). Franklin suggests that I instead lay on my back and attempt to pee in my face.


I hopped in the shower, and “got rained on.”

more raining

As an aside, taking off wet clothes is something that I would put on my list of most hated things. It totally sucks.

After this series of photos, I decided that I might as well do the golden shower for full marks. I lay on my back and tried to pee in my own face. The idea itself was so funny that I laughed out loud the entire time. As I started to pee, I realized that I didn’t quite have enough water pressure to make it to my face, which is weird, ’cause as a kid I remember winning several peeing distant contests with my dad and brother. Anyway, I figured the only way I was going to get enough pressure was by doing the garden hose trick. So I pinched it off, and gave it the old college try…spraying myself square in the cheek. I had my first golden shower.

Points earned: 3
Total points: 127

Day 48 – Become schizophrenic

February 25, 2006

I figured that the best way for me to become a schizo was to first pretend that I was hanging out with some sort of dead historical figure (Walt Disney, Peter the Great, Notorious B.I.G., etc.), and then slowly work that person into my own personality.

I went with William The Conqueror. Pretty standard really. I just talked to him about crossing the English Channel to win the Battle of Hastings in 1066, & his 21-year reign fending off England’s enemies (no one has invaded England since).

I tried my damnedest (is that how one would spell that?) to the incorporate that personality into my own, but I think that without some seriously disturbing personal issues, it’s going to be tough.

Points earned: 2
Total points: 124

Day 47 – Enforce the “customer is always right” rule

February 25, 2006

Sorry I didn’t write here yesterday, but I had an over night and for some reason their shitty PC computer wouldn’t allow me to login.

Here’s what went down at Joe’s Ski Shop when I went in to pick up the boys’ new skis.

“I’m here to pick up some skis for Claudia Hendrix.”
“OK….it looks like one pair isn’t ready yet” (I knew this was going to be the case, ’cause it said 2 to 3 days, but I thought I’d check while I was picking up the other two pairs)
“Why not?”
“Well, it says that it would be ready in 2 to 3 days, and you dropped them off yesterday”
“Right, yesterday was day one, and now it’s day two.”
“That’s not how it works.”
“I want to speak to the manager.”

Then I ran off.

Points earned: 3
Total points: 122

Day 46 – eat a book

February 23, 2006

I was not psyched about eating a book. So I went on line to find the shortest book ever written, check it out of a library, and eat it. Instead, this was all I could find.


I decided to take matters into my own hands. I asked Nick (the 12 year old I work with) to write a book for me. He declined.

I found an old comic book and ate one bite, then gave up. What a stupid activity.

Points earned: 2
Total points 119

Day 45 – World Domination Day

February 22, 2006

I started off by going to the gym to bulk up. I figure that at some point during my world domination, someone is going to challenge me to a fight. I’d better at least have some stamina, right?

I figured that the best way to take over the world is to take over the media. I’ll start off by making really stupid movies and making people watch them (ala MST3K), and from there, I’ll take over radio, tv, and newspaper. After that, it’s only a matter of time before everyone is bowing down before me.

If anyone wants to be my right hand man, just let me know. When I was in high school I made a list of “people not to kill” which consisted of:
1. Sean Ellis

My friend Sandy Gouldy got pretty upset that I was going to kill her, so she offered to help me kill everyone else if I promised not to kill her. I promised, but secretly I was still thinking that after she executed enough people, I’d just kill her too. Sorry Sandy.

Points earned: 3
Total points: 117

Rhyme game

February 22, 2006

This has nothing to do with my 365 project, but I just found this again, and I forgot how awesome it is. enjoy

Day 44 – Run for President

February 21, 2006

I always knew that you had to be “old” to run for president.

The qualifications for President of the United States are set forth in the U.S. Constitution. A candidate for president must be 35 years old and a natural born citizen of the United States.

Not only that, but you have to put forth some real effort and win some primaries and a bunch of other things that I simply won’t be able to do. So I decided to run on a “whatever, I’ll just do it anyway” platform.

I made a button that said “DUKE in 2008” and wore it all day. I really like te campaign that Jello Biafra put together for the 2000 election, and I think I’d run on a very similar platform.

I don’t think I got any votes today, but who knows in 2008. I’d like to ask James Hart to be my vice president. What do you say, Jizz-ames?

Points earned: 3
Total points: 114

Day 43 – Lonely Hearts Day

February 20, 2006

Today I was supposed to figure out who I know that will never get a date, and then send him/her flowers anonymously. However, I think that my friends all have the capacity to find love, and therefore I didn’t do this one….that and I worked 13 hours and didn’t have time to do this one. Sorry.

Points earned: 1
Total points: 111