Day 53 – Answer spam emails

There were two spam emails that I just couldn’t resist. The first one was a Motorola RAZR phone offer that was sent to me by none other than Scarlet Johansen ( of Ghost World fame! Here’s what I sent to her.


Thanks for the Motorola offer. I am not interested in using a cell phone, but I am interested in getting to know you better. I really liked you in Ghost World (I even liked you before you made it big in Lost in Translation). However, I think that The Island was pretty bad. No offense. Here’s a review I wrote for it ( Anyway, I’m free most evenings and anytime you wanna get together and chat, or talk about RAZR phones, or make out, I’d be totally down.

Good to hear from you,

I also got an email from Charlesetta Marchelle ( that was titled,”SHY TO FCUK WITH UR SHORT GUN? L0NGER 3″ INSTANTLY filled.” Here’s the email that was sent to me:

money reading make wrong. wrong she suddenly.
arms human supposedto suddenly fascinate?
nothing bad reference latter thats music? profession wife bought.
bad he thats tying yours, least motor steps purpose, use reference friends.
companion social shining yours drew.

I don’t even have a vague idea what that’s supposed to mean. Here’s what I sent to them:



Thank you for the offer to make my “gun” three inches longer “instantly.” I’ll take it! As for your questions:
1) arms human supposedto suddenly fascinate? I’d have to say yes.
2) nothing bad reference latter thats music? Most music is terrible, so, NO!
Thanks again. I can’t wait for my instantaneous penis growth. When can I expect it?

companion social shining yours nate.

Points earned: 3
Total points: 139

PS. I’ve added David Maki’s photo blog. Check it, as well as my other friend’s blogs, out on the right hand side of this page under BLOGROLL.


7 Responses to “Day 53 – Answer spam emails”

  1. Joe Says:

    I did my homework early today. Take this, musicians friend.

    Dear Musician’s Friend,

    As a musician, I find it pleasing that you consider yourself my friend. I have to inquire, though, why you send me ads with power amp sale! plastered all over it. I bought a small and cheap guitar tuner three years ago, and you continue to reach out to me. I have to respectfully decline your offer for more power. Despite savings up to $738, I don’t really need a Yamaha keyboard or a Dean EB Bass. Thank you for your very generous offer, but no dice. Have a wonderful afternoon, and enjoy St. Patrick’s Day, which is right around the corner.



    I’m going to do a few more, but I enjoyed this one a lot.

  2. Joe Says:

    67 after having thought about denouncing Reese witherspoon to the gov’t. That movie sucked. But watching it meant free tacoes at my girlfriend’s house.

  3. n8duke Says:

    I LOVE tacos.

  4. Joe Manley Says:

    Wait, 70 because I bought my friends drinks after midnight on Tuesday, which is technically Wednesday, and the wealth I redistributed was booze.

  5. Sam Says:

    I don’t think anyone liked the Island. It was like Logan’s Run, with more money and less…everything else.

  6. Brandon Says:

    Wrong, I am well respected in the movie reviewing community and I loved The Island. Best Michael Bay film ever? Yep!

  7. Jefa Says:

    I read that and while reading laughed harder than I had in a very long time. The letter/responses on the “short gun” made me cry. That’s the closest I’ve come to peeing my pants in my adult life. Thanks.

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